Month Eleven: It Beats Me Everytime

"I just can't figure out what you are up to.  It beat me everytime." Peter Bjorn and John.

A Dempsey has broken loose in our house.  He is on, around, in, and over everything and everyone.  Oh I remember this stage with Madeus. It was the turning point.  The verdict is still out on how mobility will change Dempsey's personality. But for now, my heart is always in my chest.  I gasp, scream, lunge, and pray most of my days away.  Marked as one of my least favorite stages in Mad's early day as well.  It makes me a momma. As my mother in law always quotes "choosing to have a child is choosing to have your heart walk beside you."

I have thanked the heavens above in two recent events.

Earlier in my writings, I discussed Dempsey's fascination with the mirror.  The standing full length mirror that we knew needed to be baby proofed but we had not got around to yet.  In fact, just the morning before, I realized  there was also a wood hanging shelf behind said mirror that also need to be moved.  Fast forward, Michael and I are eating dinner, Madeus is on the couch and Dempsey is scooting around. I am facing Dempsey, Mike's back is turned.  I see Dempsey push the mirror once, and it begins to fold. There is a moment in which I think Dempsey will move away but then I see him go to push again.  I scream Mad's name because he is closer (but Dora is on so his reactions are quite delayed) and I lunge.  I trip, and the only way to describe it is a slide to steal a base. I reach with my right hand and close my eyes as the mirror falls, and Dempsey's head is saved by my hand as the mirror crashes down. There is a second crash as the wood shelf too comes down and lands with further force on the mirror and further force on my hand. It was such a close call that at first, I am not even entirely sure Dempsey made it out ok.  But he did. I was sore. And we were shaken.

Event #2 is not nearly as dramatic but the little man still could have sustained injuries. And yes, as second time parents, all of this should have been taken care of earlier but with Dempsey there were no real warning signs, his mobility transformed in a day.  Case in point, Dempsey never has even sat up in his crib.  He is always lying down when I go to get him. Therefore, we had not lowered his crib bed further yet.  A few weeks ago during nap he was crying. Often, I will let him cry but for some reason I went in. My little baby was standing up, arms parallel over the top crib bar, reaching out for me.  Many thoughts went through my head and "what ifs" if I chose not to go in that day. One more little lean for his little unstable body and he would have been over.


He is getting sturdier each day, lifting up on everything, finding ways to get down without smacking his head on the hard wood floor and I have to just wait...and pray... that soon there will be less falls and less reasons to gasp...and lunge.

Madeus is three and I have still not reached that stage.  I have a sneaking suspicion I never will, as my little hearts run beside me.

Ten Months!: The Breakdown

The Little Dempsey turned 10 months old yesterday and he has grown more in the past few weeks of his little life than ever before:

~He joined us on a road trip to El, Paso Texas to visit my dad and got 5 teeth within 4 days.
~Just today he began pulling himself up to standing up position particularly when he is trying to get something of his brothers.
~He army crawls everywhere, it seems a if he will never use all fours, some have told me this is do to wood floors.
~We have recently cracked down on the sleepless nights and let him cry it out a bit.  We are now getting 5 hours from him at a time thank goodness.
~He is great with naps, two a day, the longer one in the morning.
~He prefers small bite foods to all purees, seems to have taken a liking to meat and fruits, definitely has a sweet tooth.
~He has strong fine motor skills and can pick up even the smallest object and place it where he wants.
~He loves anything musical and rocks his head when there is any kind of a beat.
~He has no interest in the television.
~He is definitely going through a mommy stage and has a hard time when I am not holding him if I am in the room, but if I am out of sight he adjusts.
~Says mamamamamama.  I am taking that has his first word of "mama". Because I want to.
~Still nurses all the time but has recently taken to biting, pinching, scratching. I look forward to weening with this one.
~He pants and makes noises in a really deep, gruff voice.
Starting to use a little cup but does not have the hang of it yet.
~He weirdly has a hard time getting his thumb through long sleeve shirts, it always bends backwards, and seems double jointed.
~He has really small feet. Smaller than Madeus at this age.
~He still smiles ALL THE TIME.

Month ten: My Salvation Lies in Your Love

Month nine: Little On Up

Dempsey always seems younger than he is and Madeus always seems older. I am not sure why this is exactly but I have my hypotheses.  And/or birth date: Dempsey was two weeks early.  Madeus was two weeks late.  And/or birth order: Madeus is my first born and Dempsey is my baby, and therefore, he will probably always remain the baby.  And/or their personalities: Madeus was so quick to assert independence, and Dempsey still seems fairly content in my arms.  And/or it is me: I am less in a rush to feed Dempsey solids, to see him crawl, to buy him shoes.  I know all these things happen in due time, and they come too quickly as it is.

And the little man is doing his thing.  He finally cut his first tooth this week, and got pink eye a day later. He scoots all around the room but no full out crawl yet.  He sits up unassisted but falls quite easily.  He has a sweet tooth and is trying to shun vegetables.  He seems ready to move right to what we are eating.  He has everyone fooled with his sweetness, me included and he gets whatever he wants.  He has a michevious streak, he smiles at you when he knows he is doing something he shouldn't.  He is after Madeus' cars whenever you turn your back and has a persistence that will give Madeus a run for his money.

His adoration for his brother seems to be growing daily.  He tries to position himself so he can see Madeus and will even look around the person carrying him away to try and find Madeus.  He laughs freely at everything his big brother does.  Madeus jumped into the elevator the other day and Dempsey went into hysterics.  I even caught the two playing and laughing together in a way that made me do a double take.  For a moment, I could see them several years down the way, rolling and wrestling on the ground.

And still that little smile is just insane.  I cannot talk about it enough. Pure joy, comfort,bliss, love.

Month nine: All The Tired Horses

Dempsey celebrated turning eight months old yesterday with a morning full of vomiting. In fact, the last month and 1/2 sickness has engulfed our house.

I have been challenged. The day after Valentine's Day, I was told that my husband had the flu, Madeus had a combination of the flu perhaps, RSV, and maybe pneumonia, and Dempsey would develop RSV. The next two weeks go on record in the top five most challenging moments since I found out I was going to be a parent. I never realized I could be that sleep deprived and a series of bad timing and serious contagiousness left us without many people to call for help. Madeus has never been so sick. Dempsey got it last and I thought it was not going to be that bad but then he stopped nursing. For two night, he screamed the whole night and I would just pace the floors. I was reluctant to go to the doctor because they had already diagnosed him with RSV and said I would have to ride it out. However, we went back the next day and he had developed bronchitis and two ear infections. The poor little man had blisters on the back of his throat which coupled with the ear pain, explains why he could not nurse. He had antibiotics and recovered. I fell sick but not badly and we thought we were in the clear.

Then last week we believe Madeus got food poisoning and last Sunday night I got it as well. Madeus recovered pretty quickly, but I have never been so sick and so scared of getting sick. We recovered and on Friday, I took the kids to the indoor play park at the mall and Dempsey started to projectile vomit. I was soaking wet, trying to gather Madeus from the park and get out of the mall as fast as possible. It continued for the next 24 hrs. He is all better. However, it does seem a crazy coincidence that we had two food poisonings (from the same hot dogs) and one stomach bug all in one week.

And then today Mike again has a fever and a cough, and just now I hear Madeus coughing from his room.

Until this year, I had the healthiest little boy in Madeus. He has still never taken an antibiotic and he just recently had any stomach illness for the first time. Some people say this is what happens when children go to school and Dempsey is suffering from being the second child in a family where the first child is bringing home germs from school. The pediatrician assures me it will only build his immune system. The whole thing has made me feel inadequate, frustrated, depressed, and just exhausted.

But, tomorrow starts the first day of Spring and I hope also the reblooming of my little family. Dempsey, true to his little personality, smiled after every time he vomited. In fact, he takes it all in such Dempsey style, it was often hard to tell just how sick he was.

Month Eight: Man in the Mirror

Dempsey is in his mirror stage. I remember learning about this from a psychoanalysis perspective in graduate school and it always made me a little sad. From my understanding of Lacan (which is really limited), the discovery in the mirror marks the moment an infant becomes a subject in the world. It is the first encounter where they "see" him/herself as whole. Before this moment, the baby only saw his/her fragmented form (grabbing a foot, looking at a hand, etc). From a Lacanian psychoanalysis perspective, it is a moment of awareness between the body and the image that develops self-hood and the "I". However, that "I" is understood to always be dependent on external objects, the images, and on the "other" that defines the self. (I am fully aware I am butchering Lacan, go easy on me).

I know this is a necessary and not really a negative moment in development. Maybe it makes me sad because it is so huge. In so many ways this is important. Those who we surround him with become so important, self esteem is introduced, and identification and division with others is created. Perception is shifted, the role of the gaze of "other" (you, them, her, him) shifts his internal perception, language and symbolism begin to emerge, and the list goes on and on. It is also his introduction into community, and it just feels like the most important marker of my role as a parent - to help him navigate a world where he can develop a healthy sense of I, while being part of a larger community. Where defining self, which inherently creates division, needs to be coupled with understanding and invitation to accept difference in our communities. Where he will most definitely feel insecurity, embarrassment, and peer pressure. Helping guide, protect, lead, acknowledge, create opportunities, embrace, and allow space for little Dempsey's "I" is an overwhelming responsibility as one of his parents.

And Dempsey seems very into this stage. I often find that he has rolled over to the mirror and is playing peek-a-boo with himself. His shadow on the wall intrigues him, and he catches his image in any reflective surface we pass. I don't really remember Madeus (my three year old) having this much involvement. But perhaps it was because this marker overwhelmed me so much I actually avoided mirrors a bit with Madeus;)

Month Seven: Covered in Light

Seriously. Always. This. Happy. Love.